Day 7/50: Will Marriage Resolve My Struggle?

וַיִּתֵּ֛ן אֶת־צִפֹּרָ֥ה בִתּ֖וֹ לְמשֶֽׁה 

And he gave his daughter Zipporah to Moses

Everyone wants to know if marriage will help them overcome their taavos (desires). The answer is that it depends very much on the individual. If a person’s problem is taavas nashim, the natural drives that every man has, then marriage will make things a lot easier. In every healthy marriage, a man is excited about his wife. His eishes chayil is his only address. When properly channeled, the natural desires that can create major nisyonos (struggles) will be harnessed to fulfill the mitzvah of v’simach es ishto (and he shall make his wife happy). That is how marriage functions optimally. But in order for this to work, one must develop the correct attitude toward marriage.

If a bachur has the mindset of an ”explorer,” his attitude will not change automatically when he gets married. His habits will not change, his eyes will wander outside his home, and marriage will feel like a prison to him. He will constantly compare his wife to other women and think about all the others he sees, has seen, or can imagine. Sadly, this happens all too often.

Someone in this predicament might convince himself that if he finds an exceptionally beautiful wife, it will solve his problems in this area. This is his ”brilliant” solution for keeping his eyes focused on his own home. What he doesn’t realize is that even marrying the most beautiful woman in the world will not change his distorted way of thinking. Once that woman becomes his wife, the chase will be over, and eventually he will find her boring as well.